just be you.

To get away. To be somewhere that I’m happy. To make gay jokes and have ridiculous amounts of fun just talking and laughing. I can’t do that here. All I can do is hide.

… That not everyone is going to believe what I do. It would be completely ridiculous if they did. But when people think I’m wrong for being gay it really hurts. I know they don’t mean for it to hurt me, but it kind of does. I know they don’t know how I feel exactly, I just wish there was a way to impart how I feel on them so that they know I’m not choosing this. So they know that no one would ever choose this. I don’t know why I am and I definitely don’t claim to know, but what I do know is that I’m no less human than anyone else. No less of a normal person. The other day someone said to me “I thought you were normal” when they found out I was gay. I just want them to get why I feel this way.

I spent so much time hating myself and I’m finally in a place where I can be okay with myself. This one thing shouldn’t run my life the way it does.

…why I put stuff on here. Because I don’t actually want to tell anyone that I’m hurting. I’m afraid of how much I do hurt because I can’t find a real reason for it at all. If I can’t find that reason that I’m hurting, that means that I shouldn’t be hurting right? I don’t understand it, and if I don’t understand it no one will. It’s my body, my mind, and my heart; I should know why I feel this way. I just don’t want to feel crazy or have anyone in my life think that I am.

…I don’t feel that love? What if I can’t bring myself to believe that God can love anyone like me? And why can’t I tell anyone this? I guess I’ll just put it on tumblr.